Sunday 24th February
Mandy keeps telling me to stop saying sorry. I seem to be apologising to her for everything. When I feel low, when I am sick, when she has to take me to hospital, when I cry, when I can't eat, when I do want to eat and she goes to fetch me something, when she has to sleep in the spare room. The list just goes on and on. It is very difficult for me to see beyond all this being my fault though.
I know full well that there was nothing I could have done to avoid this situation. My cancer is not linked to anything causing it, such as smoking and lung cancer, so it was just bad luck. But when you are down it does not feel like that. All I can see at times is the effect it is having on everyone close to me but especially Mandy, and rational or not I feel to blame.
So to Mandy 'I'm sorry' and 'I'm sorry for apologising so much'.
To everyone reading this I'm sorry that most of the posts lately have been so downbeat and depressing, but I have to write it the way I see it at the time.
Hopefully things will improve during the next week or so. I should turn a corner today and start to pick up slowly again from the last big shot of chemo. The antibiotics should be working better and most actually finish on Tuesday or Wednesday so there is hope yet.
Obviously there is not much to say about today. A very quiet day at home doing nothing. Lovely to be able to have Mand back in our bed last night, the first time we have been together for the night since Monday and I think we both slept better for it.
Cheers
Tim
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